Lessons we can Learn from the Emergence of the Butterfly!

Ah, the butterfly, revered symbol of transformation and Spring. No resemblance to what it once was. Caterpillar emergent. Crawling. Eating 27,000 times its body weight. Slowly weaving its way into a deeply cocooned slumber. Imaginal cells moving. Transforming into something new. Startled awake by insatiable longing. Emerging wings strengthening themselves by beating through the walls housing body and soul. Metamorphosed being begins to fly.

Did you know that any attempts to free a butterfly from its cocoon can limit its ability to ever fly?

As a child I once watched a butterfly hatch. It was painful to witness how hard the little creature beat its wings against the side of its cocoon again and again.

“Can’t I just help a little bit?” I asked my dad. “If I just move that one little piece it would make it so much easier.” My dad gently whispered, “If you help, the butterfly will probably die.” That was the gentlest voice I ever heard my father use. He could see my pain in letting the little butterfly struggle. What I learned that day is that the butterfly strengthens its wings through its struggle to break free.

Metamorphosis. Merriam-Webster defines it as: A process of change in form, structure or substance, especially by supernatural means.

I like MW’s definition, especially the “by supernatural means” part. Deep change is facilitated by both inner and outer transformation. It is involves a reaching into the wisest parts of ourselves for sage advice, and a reaching out to implement the desired change. Like the butterfly we too can be strengthened through the struggle, and sometimes in the process we even learn to fly.

Often I get asked the question, “Can people really change?”

My initial answer is a resounding, “Yes!”

The immediate follow up question is, “How?” or “How can I get my partner to change?” It is not unusual for people to enter couples work with the stated desire of changing their partner!

The truth is, while you can inspire someone to change, change cannot be forced. No matter how badly we may want someone else to change, sustained change doesn’t stand a chance without strong internal motivation. Coercion may inspire a temporarily shift, but coerced change simply doesn’t last.

So why and how do people change? Here is the simple truth about transformation and change:

People change when their motivation to do so becomes greater than the comfort of remaining the same.

Said another way:

We change when our Desire for change is greater than our perceived benefit of staying where we are.

Even when we are not exactly happy where we are, stepping out of the comfort of the known requires a willingness to dive headlong into the murky waters of the unknown, hoping to locate the pearl that may be buried there.

Whether the desire for change is sparked by a crisis, or a nagging feeling of unfulfillment that simply won’t go away, stepping into something new requires giving something up. You are trading the comfort of the familiar for the anxiety, er, I mean excitement of discovering something new.

When you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. Henry David Thoreau.

When leaning into an important desire it breaks something open inside. Our view of the world changes. Making the choice to step into something new shifts something inside resulting in corresponding shifts on the outside. The universe conspires to help. What we pay attention to grows in scope and velocity, in ways large and small.

And there came a time when the risk to remain tightly closed in a bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom. Anais Ninn

Change can be scary. And yet, there are times in our lives when we simply cannot not do so – times when to remain where we have been just doesn’t work anymore – time to put our blossoming thoughts into action – to give wings to our dreams.

What stops us? Fear. Fear of taking the action in the outside world that supports the desire of the inside world. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of the additional changes we would need to make if we succeed. Fear of the pain of beating our wings against the wall of our own cocooned slumber, can stop us from taking the action we need to walk forward into the fulfillment of what we desire.

Desire without action burrows itself deep within our psyche like a wounded child, cutting us off from a more vibrant experience of life. This is the stuff of which depression is borne.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I would like to add, it takes a village to implement and sustain change. Those you love and are close to, can be part of your support team, IF they have the willingness and mindset to do so. The desire for relational closeness inspires the healing process. This is the place in which healing occurs.

For those of us who believe in some form of Divine Presence, the desire for transformation often acts as a catalyst renewing our connection with that which we deem holy. We begin to pay greater attention to the Divine Whispers that come our way. This is the stuff of which prayers are created.

Connecting with a coach, mentor or friend who can hold us accountable to what we say we want, guiding us through our blind spots, can deepen and quicken the process. This is the place at which Desire meets Courage. Determined Action taken stokes the fires of Desire, which feeds more action, which more deeply roots Confidence. This is the place at which dreams take flight.

So, now it’s Spring. Each season is imbued with a specific energy. Spring is a time of blossoming; awakening from the comfort of winter’s slumber. And we have had an unusually long winter season this past year! Time to dust off those closeted visions and dreams, or take that leap of faith, or make that change you have been promising, time to dive into that personal or relational transformation you have been contemplating.

The hooks of adaptive patterns run deep. Removing them requires diving into the 5 Keys (D’s!) for creating lasting change: Desire, Dedication, Determination, Discipline, Decision/Do.

Let’s take a look at how the process of enacting change works.

The first step is to identify your Why. The Bigger your Why, the greater your desire and likelihood of staying the course.

🔑 Desire is Your Why.

Desire is the heartbeat of the change process; your impetus to create something new. Most often desire is activated by a realization that there is something deeply important may be lost if nothing changes. The bigger your WHY, the greater the likelihood of creating and sustaining your desired change.

This is your Dig Deep phase. Why do you really want to make this change? What is at the root of your desire?

Sometimes desire is born out of fear. “If I don’t change, she will leave me.”Sometimes Desire is born from deep discontent, a realization that you are not where you thought you would be at any given stage in life. Midlife is the classic one we think of. This type of discontent can emerge at other life stages as well such as kids starting school, kids heading off to college, the longing for a career change, an impending separation or divorce. Any life event that causes you to pause and more deeply reflect can feed Desire. Even if your desire to change is born out of fear, it is important that you make it your own. Fear can spark it, then you need to Dig Deep to excavate your BIG WHY.

🔑Dedication is Your Who.

Dedication is the reason for your desired changed. The more this means to you, the more strength you infuse into your Desire. Dedication is the Who. Who benefits from this change? (Hint: You definitely need to be on the list!) Who else benefits as you move forward with your desired change? Spouse? Family? Colleagues? We often under estimate the people our impacted by our life choices and commitments. I would encourage you to write down everyone you can think of that is potentially impacted. The more awareness you can bring, the greater the meaning you give to your desires. The deeper the meaning, the more likely you are to align your actions with the change you are seeking to enact.

🔑Determination is Your What.

This your Drive to move forward. Determination fuels your Desire. The more determined you are, the more fuel you have to available to sustain your journey. This is where you ramp up and begin putting everything into motion. Your determination is your What. This is where you begin mapping out the way forward, and getting clear on the possibilities that can emerge as you move toward the creation of your goal. Each step along the way matters. As you may have heard it said, the power lies in the journey, not just the achievement of the goal, the journey not just the point of arrival.

🔑Discipline is Your How.

Success in any endeavor requires self-discipline. This is where you begin implementation.

I like Earl Nightingale’s definition of Success: The Progressive Realization of a Worthy Goal or Ideal.

This means that each step we take toward our Ideal matters. Success is cumulative. It builds upon itself. It is important to notice and reward smaller successes along the way.

When you choose to make a change, you set your own deadlines. Self-imposed deadlines can be much more difficult to adhere to than externally imposed deadlines, such as completing a work or school project on time. We frequently give more wiggle room to the deadlines we set for ourselves, often sacrificing our own needs in favor of momentarily pleasing someone else’s.

Honoring your commitment to yourself strengthens how you see yourself. Self-honoring builds Integrity and strengthens Self-Esteem. Frequently the desire to change also involves a commitment to someone you love. Honoring commitments made to those you love builds inter-relational Trust.

🔑Decision & Do is Your Way.

I combine the last two D’s because these two are your way forward. The closer your Do is to your Decision to Do, the greater the likelihood is that you desired change will come take form. Each action you take helps you break out of the limiting patterns of the past and create and sustain something new.

Decide is rooted in the Latin word Decidere — which means to cut-off. When you choose one thing, you cut off other possible choices. Deciding is about choosing the one from the many. Doing is is the action you take that is in alignment with that choice. The quicker you Do after you Decide, the more solidly you ground yourself into your Desired way of being. This is your When. You have mapped out ideas, now you need to decide upon which things to do and when you want to do them. Do you have small things you are committing to doing daily? Have you set aside things you are doing weekly?

Inside Out vs. Outside In

All significant change takes place on the Inside first and is then reinforced, or met with resistance on the outside. (Well, resistance can definitely occur on the inside as well!) Change occurs on both these planes — inner and outer. Inner change is a change in your way of being with yourself.

Outer Change involves both the actions you take, and the feedback you receive from the world around you. Each decision you make, small and large, helps to uplevel or negate, your desired transformation. The more mindfulness you can bring to your choices, the more likely you are to choose well (making choices that are aligned with the change you want to create.)

For optimal inner change to occur, you need to become your own BFF. The more you can befriend yourself, the more able you are to self-soothe. This means that you begin treating yourself with more kindness.

We can be our own worst critics. Notice what you say to yourself. Are you saying things that are self-effacing or self-nurturing? “I can’t believe you actually said that. You are so stupid. OMG. Really, You said THAT again!” “Did you see he way she looked at you. She obviously hates you.” “What a dork.” Or it can be self-judgement: “I suck.” “I can’t believe I missed that shot. It was such an easy one. Joe would never have missed that,” or comparison to others.

Or it can be encouraging: “Yep. You missed that shot. It’s gonna’ happen. Even the best players miss shots. You are doing a great job putting yourself out there. Last month you wouldn’t have even attempted that.”

Your self-talk can also be pro-actively affirming. “I am connecting with the wisdom of my heart. I trust myself to make wise choices. I am moving forward in powerful ways. I am choosing well.” I like Tony Robbins mantra, “Every day and every way I’m getting better and better.” This is a great one to say to yourself when walking, as there is a rhythmic cadence to its recitation.

Each new attempt builds upon prior successes and failures. From our failures we learn what doesn’t work, which is as important as learning what does. It is from that place that we continue to refine our skills.

Once something is thoroughly learned, the need to need to intensely focus recedes into the background, freeing up more space to focus on What’s Next. That doesn’t mean we go on auto-pilot, it just means that the desired change has become more integrated into how we approach life.

In summary, if what someone stands to lose by remaining the same is important enough, and their commitment to themselves and (where applicable) to those they love is strong enough, people can and do change. Is it easy? No. It takes work, commitment and a willingness to own your mistakes, past, present and future. You will make them. Trust me.

Food for Thought.

Life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about:

1. Aligning your choices on a moment by moment basis with who you want to be and what you want to create;
2.  Course correcting when you veer off your intended path, and,
3. Reconciling with those you care about when your actions disappoint or let them down;
4. Loving Yourself and others through the process;
5. Accepting your shortfalls;
6. Forgiving yourself and others along the way;
7. Being Grateful that you have the opportunity to try again.

If you are a partner of someone who is working through the change process, remember the butterfly. While you may offer encouragement, hold them lovingly in your heart, and may even sometimes feel their pain — remember, the process is theirs. Taking on someone else’s work robs them of the exhilaration of carving out their own path, learning from their missteps, and the freedom to fly inherent in their successes.

Until next time: Live Passionately. Love Deeply. Lead with Grace, Generosity & Gratitude.

Wishing you a Peaceful Heart & Abundant Blessings,

Dr. J