10 Ways to Build More Intimacy and Connection This Valentines Day
What does it take to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Traditionally, some equal or unequal combination of money and attraction. A little cash, some hormonal activity, maybe moonlight – it’s enough, at least, to share a photo on Instagram. But what does it take to celebrate intimacy? How do we honor and enjoy the process of getting to know our spouse better than anyone else does? Or maybe the most important question as this Valentine’s Day approaches is, Do I know my spouse?
Beware the reflex response, “Of course!” Sure, you share a bed and drink out of the same cup sometimes, both of which are things people usually don’t do with strangers. But being acquainted with someone’s existence is different from making them feel known.
Knowing someone requires the effort of understanding. Note that word effort. This isn’t knowledge by osmosis; neither is there a guarantee of perfect understanding between two people. But a couple cultivates and celebrates intimacy by undertaking the labor of understanding the person they’ve promised to love.
How do you begin that labor?
1. Work Together
Don’t mistake the meaning, here. Though some spouses do share the same occupation, that’s unrealistic for most. But consider the time, skill, and attention that your spouse devotes to their job. Maybe they love it – do you know why? What about it makes them excited? What makes it seem worth it to them even when it’s stressful? What coworkers make them laugh?
Or maybe they hate their job. That’s important to understand, too. Be the person your spouse can talk to when work overwhelms them, hurts them, frustrates them. In your interest and your comfort, work “with” your spouse.
2. Rest Together
We all know the relief of a long-awaited Saturday. Marriage experiences relief like that, too, when spouses rest together. The trick is that sometimes, spouses rest differently. One of you might jump at the chance to spend a weekend taking surfing lessons. The other might groan, imagining wasted hours falling off the board instead of reading indoors. You might be an introvert, desperate for time alone with your spouse. They might be exhausted because they’ve missed spending time with you in a group of friends. Part of laboring to understand involves, sometimes, a sacrifice of the way you want to rest so that you can rest together. That doesn’t mean you always have to give up your book or your surf board, but it does give you the chance to understand better what brings your spouse rest. And it gives you the chance to be part of it.
3. Dance Together
Or cook together, or go to the bar together, or go to a movie together – the point is, have fun together. There’s some common ground here with rest, but if resting is about recuperating your energy, having fun is more about choosing how you want to spend your energy together. If you spend all your energy on work, or diaper-changing, or laundry, you’ll lose some great opportunities to know your spouse “with their hair down,” so to speak. Figure out what kinds of things sound fun to both of you, and make that a regular part of your life.
4. Empathize Together
Some people can’t help feeling what other people feel. Some people can definitely help it. But however naturally empathetic either you or your spouse is, the principle applies. Empathy is the understanding and sharing of another person’s feelings – or, sometimes, lack thereof. Labor to listen to your spouse’s frustration or pain and to comprehend the reason for it. Try not to just focus on whether they should feel what they’re feeling; recognize that they do, and why, and show that you’re aware of both those things. Conversely, if your spouse doesn’t seem to feel things like you do, and you wish they did, learn to empathize with (and be grateful for) their stability.
Emotional intimacy requires emotional investment. Practicing empathy doesn’t ensure that you’ll start experiencing emotions you’ve never felt before, or stop feeling what you’ve always felt. It does, however, make you more sensitive to the needs of your spouse – and that’s a sign of knowing them well.
5. Serve Together
Few things bind two people together more than the opportunity to show love to others. Why? Serving is a form of sacrifice, dependent on the belief that someone else’s needs supersede our desires for ease and comfortability. That’s a crucial mindset in marriage. Engaging in service together gives you the chance to simultaneously care for others and care for your spouse by showing them what matters to you. And when you make a practice of valuing the same mindset, intimacy flourishes.
Besides the big-picture significance, though, serving your community is also a wonderful way to make shared memories and to be joyful together. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, an after-school tutoring program, or your church, and you’ll find that sharing the experience marks another step in the process of understanding one another.
6. Learn Together
Do you feel like you and your spouse think about completely different things? Make it a goal to learn about what your spouse finds interesting. Maybe this means picking up a library book, or an afternoon of birdwatching. Maybe it’s just a matter of devoting time to a conversation. But choosing to learn a little about what your spouse already loves is a wonderful way to labor in understanding each other.
It’s also rewarding to learn about things that are unfamiliar to both of you. Watch WWII films together, maybe, or do some research together on what flowers are the best to plant in the shade of your backyard. Or read different books and then tell each other about them. Regardless of how it looks for you and your spouse, learning is a form of loving and understanding.
7. Dream Together
There’s a lot of dreaming before the wedding, but we often forget to keep it up afterwards. What hopes do you have for your future together? Where would you like to live? Where would you love to travel? What color would you paint your first house? Where do you want to go on vacation next time? Talking about your dreams with your spouse is both an opportunity to see what they’re most excited about for the future, and a reminder that your future includes both of you, together!
8. Remember Together
Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about the present and the future that we forget the importance of the past. There’s so much that has made your spouse into the person they are – eighteen years of childhood in a unique family along with life’s mashup of beauty and pain. And the same goes for you. Not only that, but you’ve had years together, holding on to each other in every situation you’ve encountered. All that past matters. And while it’s not helpful to live in the past, it can be deeply valuable to remember it.
Part of knowing your spouse intimately is knowing what things are important to them to remember. People, places, experiences – get to know these parts of their life and spend time recalling your own. Share that with each other. Remember your individual stories, and your story together. They’re worth honoring.
9. Shower Together
Consider this a respectful euphemism for all the kinds of physical intimacy that are vital to knowing your spouse. Your spouse’s body is a gift to you; yours is to them. Treat it like that. Delight them. Surprise them. Enjoy them. Maybe book a hotel room for the weekend. Give each other time to look forward to, as well as the pleasure of spontaneity. You belong to one another, and embracing that is one of the most important labors you’ll ever undertake to understand your spouse.
10. Forgive Together
All of our efforts to know and love our spouses will, at some point (let’s be honest: at many points), miss the mark. You and your spouse will fail to show unending interest in one another’s life stories, you’ll argue about how to have fun, you’ll misunderstand each other’s feelings, and inevitably, one of you will sometimes just not be in the mood for a shower.
Each moment of frustration, arguing, and door-slamming probably reminds you that you know your spouse’s weaknesses better than anyone else. But let it also remind you that for that very reason, you have the opportunity to love them better than anyone else. Forgiveness is one of the highest forms of intimacy, because you know all the ways your spouse fails, and you choose to love them still.
The trappings of Valentine’s Day sometimes cover up the reality that couples really don’t know one another. That doesn’t need to be you, this year. Spend some cash, post on Instagram, and let the hormones run free. But experience, too, the deep joy of knowing and being known by the person in your life who matters most, and make it your lifelong labor to know them more.
