Who Do I Want to Be?
Cultivating Greater Resilience in the Face of A Crisis.

Crises shake us at our core. They uproot our sense of safety and stability and cause us to doubt those around us, our community, our government, and ourselves. Even that which we see as Divine can be called into question.

When our world becomes uprooted, there are specific stages that we go through. (See the 7 Stages of Crisis Response & Recovery for detailed information about these stages.) After the initial shock wears off, we are driven to find meaning and solve problems. We want to know: Why? How? What? Why did this happen? How do I keep those I love safe? What can I do about it?

When we find ourselves becoming stuck in old patterns of fault-finding, defensiveness, or blaming (ourselves or others), it is an indicator that current events have triggered something from our past. We all have defense-mechanisms that were cultivated over time in response to pain, trauma, and relationships in which we didn’t feel loved. We develop these adaptive mechanisms to help us feel safe.

The challenge is that these adaptations tend to become hard-wired into our brains. They become heat seeking missiles that are activated by similar situations in life, that support the beliefs we have cultivated in response to these earlier life experiences. What were once survival adaptations, can morph into rigid belief systems which can block us from developing healthy relationships and the ability to adapt to change.

Left unchecked, these adaptations can keep us stuck in ways of viewing the world that no longer keep us safe or support our growth and development. They can foster disconnection from the people who are most important to us.

“How do we shift our thinking to better support who we are now and how we want to show up in our relationships?” you may be asking. The way through is by asking more powerful questions that support our deepest growth, learning, connections, and healing.

Asking questions that help us courageously cultivate and strengthen the Best Version of Ourselves,  activates our more creative and fluid problem-solving circuitry. Asking the right questions enhances our ability to more consistently discern the best choice in each situation, and cultivate strong, loving, healthy relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!

Here are some powerful questions to contemplate, that can offer deeper levels of personal insight and wisdom. I suggest you read through the list and see which ones stand out for you and take some time to sit with a particular question, or cluster of questions that call to you. You can allow the question to take you into a meditative space. Ponder the question as you take a walk. Write down the question and your responses in a journal. Let your ideas emerge from within. No censoring. Allow yourself to be surprised by what shows up.

These are also great thought starter questions to work with as a couple or in a group to help you brain- storm, problem-solve, collaborate, and get to know each other more deeply. If you delve into the questions with someone else, I suggest you each take some time to write down your own thoughts prior to sharing with others. I invite you to be willing to allow curiosity to lead. Happy Discovery!

• What opportunities are being offered here?
• What does Life want of me; how do I want to walk in the world?
• What do I stand for?
• What do I deeply believe in and value?
• What is the best use of my energy and focus?
• How can I best discern the wisest choice for all concerned in this situation?
  • How can I address this situation in ways that invite open dialog?
• What causes do I want to contribute to?
• How do I make a difference / help make things better?
• What are my values and how do I better live into them?
• How do I want to show up in life, and with those I love?
• What do I want to model for my children?
• How can I be the best version of myself in this situation?
• How can I be kind to others AND take care of myself?
• What if my child were facing this same situation and asked for my advice?
  What would I advise him / her to do?
• How can I best Love you AND Love me?
• What boundaries do I need to set to protect us both?
  • What gets in the way of my setting healthy boundaries?
• What am I curious about?
• What brings me joy?
• What brings me peace?
• What am I truly committed to?
• How do I see what is going on as FOR me / for my highest growth, rather than as something that victimizes me?
• How can I quell the negative voices in my head?
• How can I cultivate an inner guide (some call this your HS – Higher Self / Holy Spirit) who helps to strengthen, guide, affirm me rather than tears me down?
• What does Love have to teach me here?
  • What would Love do in this situation?
  • How can I Lead with Love?

If you have any questions, comments, or feedback, feel free to reach out.

Until then … Live Passionately, Lead Respectfully, Love Courageously!

Dr. J