It’s 5:30 a.m. and I just can’t seem to go back to sleep. The early morning is a favorite time to go walk on the beach, although it is still a bit early. Today is Wednesday. Maybe my prayer guys will be around and I can say hello and have them pray with me. I stretched, brushed my teeth, put on some sweats and headed to the pier.
I have a potential office move that has been haunting me for a while. Struggling with making the best choice possible, and not feeling like I am getting a clear answer, has caused me to feel stuck. Maybe the prayer guys can help bring some peace to my decision making process. This has been weighing on my mind for a couple of weeks now. Perhaps a prayer is exactly what I need.
I arrive on Main Street, excited to see if my prayer guys are there. Yep, there they are, my two guys, coffee, table and sign. No cookies today. I have some money with me this time for the homeless people they serve. Today as I walk up to the prayer table I notice a potentially homeless beachy looking guy, getting coffee from Greg. They chatted, then Greg offered him a prayer.
Very deliberately I walked up to my personal prayer guy, Bryan, and offered a cheery, “Good morning!”Unlike my tentative ask last week, today I was showing up ready to be prayed for.
I eagerly began by telling Bryan what I wanted him to pray for, but instead of immediately launching into a prayer, this time Bryan began by asking me a few questions. It seemed he wanted to get to know me a bit. My anxiety began to stir. I told him I was trying to make a decision as to whether to move to a new office, and it was a pretty big decision for me for lots of reasons. He asked where my office was located. I wasn’t expecting that question. During my typical pier walks, I I don’t have to don my cloak of professionality, just silently commune with my surroundings. I preferred being an anonymous prayer asker. This particular morning it felt more personal, and I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable with that.
I found myself quickly becoming embarrassed asking for my prayer. After all these men are donating their time, often to homeless people, whose need must be far greater than mine. And here I am taking up their valuable time asking for a prayer about offices. I felt a shame well up inside of my throat that was difficult to swallow, as Bryan asked where my office was located. I swallowed quickly and hard, as I quietly responded, “Newport Beach”, hoping he didn’t really hear me. You see, Newport Beach is an upscale neighborhood in Southern California.
Judgement is a trickster that can creep up on us by surprise. I found myself judging myself as unworthy of asking for a prayer, once my real identity began unraveling. This man was giving his time for free, and I was potentially taking him away from more important prayers, by asking him to pray with me about something as menial as an office. I felt petty and ashamed for my ask.
Bryan didn’t flinch upon hearing my story. Once again he put his hand on my shoulder and said a beautiful prayer for me. And once again something inside me began to shift.
A Course in Miracles says, “There is no order of difficulty in prayer.” The way I interpret that is, that a prayer is a prayer is a prayer. It isn’t about how big or small your prayer request, but rather your faith in the process. Faith in yourself. Faith in the universe. Faith in this power we call God, Allah, the Creator, the Divine, the Holy Spirit, the Higher Self, the All That Is. It is that spark of hope and trust that is ignited when we can step aside, and allow something grander to stir within and guide our way.
I work with people from many different walks of life and feel blessed by each person who entrusts his or her stories into my hands. Each of us has things in life we struggle with, and each of us has things we feel good about. The vulnerability of asking for help, be it through a prayer, setting up a counseling or coaching session, or reaching out to a friend, is an important step toward living a more integrated and purposeful life.
One big hug later, I decided to leave my self-judgement behind at the prayer table, and continue my walk to the ocean end of the pier. I silently forgave myself for judging myself, and came into a greater sense of peaceful heartfelt compassion for me, for the human condition, and for others who have not been showing up in my life the way I would have liked.
Making eye contact with each person walking past, I connected with several beautiful souls. There was a Vietnamese women with a rosary in her hand to whom I smiled and said, “Good Morning”. She nodded a silent blessing. Then there was the Hispanic man who walked up to me as I was watching the surfers, and said, “Bless you sister.” Two very nicely dressed women handed me a pamphlet about Jehovah.
That day the Huntington Beach Pier had become a melting pot of Sacredness. As I settled in at the edge of the pier between a fisherman and a Chinese gentleman, I felt refreshed, nourished and alive. In that moment, the decision about the office didn’t seem quite so pressing, for I knew that no matter what happened I would be okay.
And then without warning it happened. A dolphin leapt into the air just below me. Then seemingly out of nowhere there were dolphins everywhere, playfully swimming all around us. I squealed in delight. The fisherman said, “You must not be from around here.” I chuckled, and said, “Not originally, but right now I live a mile and a half away. And I LOVE seeing dolphins. They are a sign for me that all is well.”
I stood there mesmerized, my heart filled with love. The love I felt was not for any particular individual, rather a massive love for the essence of life itself. Feelings of expanded open-heartedness blanketed the entire pier like a soft billowy cloud. Leading with my own vulnerability created a space for something new to emerge. As I opened my heart to the people around me, something inside of me had shifted. I was able to release self-judgements I wasn’t even aware that I had, and move into a new sense of inner freedom and faith.
When we have the courage to ask, for a blessing, for someone to listen, for a date, for help with a project, or when we take the risk to tell someone, “I love you”, or “I miss you”, or even “I need you”, while it may not turn out exactly the way we would like, a doorway is opened into new possibilities of loving, being loved, and being held by this thing amazing thing called life.
While it will always be magical for me to see dolphins, that particular day, on the Huntington Beach pier, in opening to the people around me, I also saw me. What a fine gift indeed!
